The Stress Factor

When I first started my former Weeping Willow journal at the old JS, it was because I was facing a heavy decision. So much was going on in my life and I wanted a change.... I wanted to escape.... I wanted to disappear...

I needed to express my thoughts, to share with my readers the reasoning behind what I was going through.

I had just returned from a trip "back home", the town I had grown up in, the town where my parents still lived. It was a great trip, I didn't want to leave...

My parents were ill and being taken care of by my younger brother and his wife. I felt almost guilty for living so far away and not being able to help out. My mom suffers an advanced case of Alzheimers. This week they had to put her in a care home......

But almost most of all, I wanted to leave my present life. I have a good paying, yet very stressful job. Add to that harrassment from co-workers..... I HATE IT! It used to be quite enjoyable, very interesting, and very exciting. No longer....

Where I live I also have family... kids and grandkids. Leaving them would have been difficult, but I would still be able to fly back and forth to visit regularly. It was almost 40 yrs ago that I left my parents and my then home to live far away ..... it's nothing unsurvivable.

I already had options for where I could live and I was checking Craig lists for job opportunities... kind of feeling my way.....

The the world-wide financial crises happened and I had to dash all thoughts of moving. Now there would be no jobs so easily available. And it would be down right stupid to leave a good paying, secure job for ..... who-knows-what.....

So I stayed. The job has not gotten better, but I have gained a lot more self confidence. The harassment still continues, but the main jerk doing it retires next months.... light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so.

But harassment, or mobbing as it is also called, can eat at you... causing stress, burn-out, physical problems. For some months now I have noticed a constant "hissing" noise in my head. I had an ear test done last August which I passed with flying colors and lessoned my worries... for a while. Then I googled "tinitus" and sure enough, this type of hissing could be a symptom. So I made an appoint with an ear-nose-throught specialist. Again I passed the hearing test. He wants to do another test in April, but after asking me some questions about where I work, etc., he said that the problem is very likely psychosomatic.... i.e. a sign of stress!

He was amazed at how cool I took the news... he said most patients get all upset. But since I pretty much new the answer and had just wanted to exclude any other physical reasons, it didn't surprise me. He offered to give me a permission slip to stay home from work. I declined... for now. I told him I'd prefer to wait until "the Jerk" retired and see how things went from there, but that I would also come back to him if my symptoms got worse.

It was a relief to know there is no "physical" reason behind the noises in my head. And of course it is also good that it's documented at a doctor. I have occassionally been felt like being short before a breakdown.

I can only admire some of the people behind some of the blogs I read. Some of them are going through so much more difficulties in life, including great tragedies. Some of those lives make my problems seem so small and unimportant.

So, now I have written a novel and updated you a bit. I don't get to this journal often... sorry. I really had intended to write more often. Thanks for letting me share with you....

Willow