Yes, be happy you have a job....

That's a phrase I hear too often. With so many people out of work, looking for a job, or fearing to lose the job they have, I'm told to be happy I have one if I complain a bit about mine.

Well let me complain darn it!

It's especially annoying when that comment comes from someone who isn't looking for a job but voluntarily going to school.

My job is stressful and my co-workers are jerks. I get paid pretty good, but I earn it. I am so dutiful, I even wrote a report and sent it in to the office via email while home sick. My free time is getting less and less. My relatively new boss has no understanding for the field jobs I do. He's a legal eagle, a desk jockey, with no knowledge of the realities of our work! And not only him... other's also. None of them have my qualification... I'm the ONLY one capable of doing this work... yet they don't listen to me when I try to explain to them that this or that can't be done that way.

I'm so stressed out by it all, that it's beginning to affect my health. I'm developing a tinitus (doc says there's he sees no physical problem) and I was just called in sick for 10 days because of laryngitis (ok, so I talk too much lol).

I would love to quit, but obviously I can't financially. At my age it's hard to find something new, but I'm still looking.

To top all that off, I have my own little problems. My daughter just left her husband, together with her two little girls (5 and 4). She's still on friendly terms with her hubby (he even helped her renovate the new apartment), but it's still emotionally upsetting.

And then there's my own situation.... a relationship of ten years yet still no idea of how the/our future will be.... and I'm not getting any younger...

Enough ranting... but I had to let it out, even if no one reads me here...

Willow

melancholy

As Bobby mentioned in a comment, whenever I write an entry in this journal I seem to be melancholy. That is pretty much the truth. There is no other spot I can actually write down my true feelings about things.

My "normal" journal gets read by family members and friends that don't need to know details. But sometimes I need "real" friends, someone to listen, someone to give me feedback.

Today is mother's day. For those who don't know, I have two kids, both now grown with kids of their own (yep, I'm a grandma). Yes, I know that this day is too "commercial" and not all THAT important. But still, you'd think at least one of my kids would have called, or sent an email..... but instead I spent the whole day alone, the telephone silent.

The past weeks were filled with family activities. I spent hours helping my daughter move. I acted as a chauffer for family members at my son's daughter's baptism. I was on the go the past weeks, with my job, for my son, for my daughter. You'd think I'd enjoy having "nothing" to do today (well, the weather kind of canceled the planned business trip... spending the day checking the weather and trying to decide "go or no go" doesn't help).

Why do I feel so alone? My special someone spent the day with his own mother. Why did it bother me that I got no flowers from my kids, or an invitation for coffee? Today is nothing special.... it's just another Sunday like all the others....

Like the Lady of the Shores.... stareing wistfully beyond the waters ... wondering how long I can continue to wait before I feel really content.

I have so much going for me... yet I dwell too much....

Listening to the quiet

The TV program isn't inviting so I turned it off. The weather is so much like summer, that I decided to take my wine glass out on the balcony. The sun was setting in a big red ball of flames... just beautiful!

The wind is still. Some birds are chirrping, neighbors are going about their business and making normal noises. The trains pass by below, planes are flying overhead. But the stillness is still marvelous.

I sit there and think. Sometimes I think too much. I feel alone, though I have so many who care about me. I am stressed out about work, though today my boss actually supported me for a change.

The stillness. It's a perfect evening. One needed to be shared.

The lights on my solar hummingbirds begin to light. I come inside to avoid some bugs starting to appear. I check my "other" blog... and there are so many people I miss. Some spend more time on facebook then with real blog entries... pity, I love to read about their lives.... and not just one-sentence phrases.

I should stay outside but it's getting dark now. My cat sat on my life and couldn't get enough of my petting her. I'm so glad I have her... she's a big comfort.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and a holiday. I'm not sure yet what I'll do. Be lazy? We shall see.....

I have so many projects I'd like to work on, but some how there's no motivation. Even spending time online, visiting my various "favorite" sites and foren have become boring....

On Sunday I'll be together with my family, and all four grandkids. Of course I enjoy being with them, but it's a whole different generation. I yearn for friends of my own age. I know some, but I'm tired of making the arrangements. I feel like I'm chasing them. If they don't contact me, then why should I continue to bother?

My certain-someone has other obligations, as usual.... *sigh*

Sorry for my ramblings... I'm just trying to express myself. I really have no reason to complain.

1) I have great kids and grandkids.... and all healthy.
OK, so my daughter is leaving her hubby, moving out to a new apartment with the kids. I'll support her, but it's still sad.

2) My parents are still alive and have had a long, fullfilled life.
My mom is now in a care home and is suffering from extreme Alzheimers. When my dad goes to visit her, she tells him to leave! They have been married for 66 years and he's now home alone. She fell the other day and ended up in the ER. She's back at the home now and doing ok. I am not there for her......and him.

3) I have a good paying job
Which I hate more and more! The one Jerk is now gone, retired, but the other, young idjit is still there. He has so many stupid ideas about our job, he's going to soon fall on his face. Unfortunately my boss is the same. Both have only been there a year and no nothing! But does my opinion count? Of course not! I've only been doing this shit work for 13 years... and know nothing about it! I almost hope for them to really mess up. Is that sad or what? I hate to wish people bad, but in some cases.....

4) I love my apartment!
It's the first place that I really feel comfy in. No complaints here! lol

I just stepped back outside onto the balcony... it's a perfect evening. I wish there was someone here to share it with....

Willow

Feeling like being bulldozed....

The last days have been stressfull, as if that's anything new. It's been almost non-stop running around since Thursday morning and not over yet. Tomorrow will, hopefully be a lazy day.

I've been neglecting this place lately. I've often sat here, hands over the keyboard, trying to find the right words.... they are just not coming.

And I have also been neglecting my favs... sorry about that.

I'm off again, working overtime on Saturday once again. At least I'm able to get off work early during the week to compensate, or even take a whole day off.

More another day... when I find the words I'm searching for.....

Willow

Ten years....

Yesterday my certain someone and I celebrated 10 years together. In a situation as ours, that's a long time.

In those 10 years we have gone through all the highs and lows, ups and downs, that all couples go through.

Some of you know about us and our "special" situation. If you are a reader of my "normal" journal, you will notice a certain melancholy mood. I'm usually a smiling, happy person, but sometimes... well, heck, I'm human!

Yes, the word melancholy fits quite well. I once wrote an entry using that word as a title. So, today I'm having a melancholy day. Let's blame it on the cold, rainy, dreary, grey weather, OK?

Ten years .... promises made, not yet kept. Still too many un-answered questions. But I'm still optomistic... our day will come! He promised me.....

Don't worry, I'm hanging in there. I just don't feel very smiley at the moment....

Willow

Quiet times and Reflections

The following is part of an entry I once wrote in the old JS:

Like the lady in the photo above, I love to sit by the ocean and watch the water come, and go, then return once more. My thoughts then start to wander and I reflect about all that has happened in my life, past and present.

Another place I enjoy is up on a mountain near my home where I grew up. From there I can see all around me, and once more I reflect on my past and present.

Those are my quiet times. Unfortunately I live far away from both. Maybe some day I'll return there again. and not just to visit, but to live permanently. I'm reflecting on that, but not while viewing into the sea or from a mountain.

This journal may soon be a place to put those reflections into words. At the moment they are too abstract.

At the moment I'm not feeling like blogging at all. Not here, not on my "official" journal. I told myself I'd make myself rare for a bit, like so many others are also doing. I would also try to avoid commenting.... but that wouldn't be me!

So my visits here may become even more sporadic then they already have been.... sorry. There were times when I wanted to write here, but as soon as I started to type, the words wouldn't come... so I would delete it.

Another reason may be the fact that so many of my favoritie people/bloggers are going through so much hardship at the moment and I can't help... and their hardships make mine seem so small and unimportant.

I did find/receive my old entries so I may repeat one or two, as I did above.

Don't forget me....

Willow

The Stress Factor

When I first started my former Weeping Willow journal at the old JS, it was because I was facing a heavy decision. So much was going on in my life and I wanted a change.... I wanted to escape.... I wanted to disappear...

I needed to express my thoughts, to share with my readers the reasoning behind what I was going through.

I had just returned from a trip "back home", the town I had grown up in, the town where my parents still lived. It was a great trip, I didn't want to leave...

My parents were ill and being taken care of by my younger brother and his wife. I felt almost guilty for living so far away and not being able to help out. My mom suffers an advanced case of Alzheimers. This week they had to put her in a care home......

But almost most of all, I wanted to leave my present life. I have a good paying, yet very stressful job. Add to that harrassment from co-workers..... I HATE IT! It used to be quite enjoyable, very interesting, and very exciting. No longer....

Where I live I also have family... kids and grandkids. Leaving them would have been difficult, but I would still be able to fly back and forth to visit regularly. It was almost 40 yrs ago that I left my parents and my then home to live far away ..... it's nothing unsurvivable.

I already had options for where I could live and I was checking Craig lists for job opportunities... kind of feeling my way.....

The the world-wide financial crises happened and I had to dash all thoughts of moving. Now there would be no jobs so easily available. And it would be down right stupid to leave a good paying, secure job for ..... who-knows-what.....

So I stayed. The job has not gotten better, but I have gained a lot more self confidence. The harassment still continues, but the main jerk doing it retires next months.... light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so.

But harassment, or mobbing as it is also called, can eat at you... causing stress, burn-out, physical problems. For some months now I have noticed a constant "hissing" noise in my head. I had an ear test done last August which I passed with flying colors and lessoned my worries... for a while. Then I googled "tinitus" and sure enough, this type of hissing could be a symptom. So I made an appoint with an ear-nose-throught specialist. Again I passed the hearing test. He wants to do another test in April, but after asking me some questions about where I work, etc., he said that the problem is very likely psychosomatic.... i.e. a sign of stress!

He was amazed at how cool I took the news... he said most patients get all upset. But since I pretty much new the answer and had just wanted to exclude any other physical reasons, it didn't surprise me. He offered to give me a permission slip to stay home from work. I declined... for now. I told him I'd prefer to wait until "the Jerk" retired and see how things went from there, but that I would also come back to him if my symptoms got worse.

It was a relief to know there is no "physical" reason behind the noises in my head. And of course it is also good that it's documented at a doctor. I have occassionally been felt like being short before a breakdown.

I can only admire some of the people behind some of the blogs I read. Some of them are going through so much more difficulties in life, including great tragedies. Some of those lives make my problems seem so small and unimportant.

So, now I have written a novel and updated you a bit. I don't get to this journal often... sorry. I really had intended to write more often. Thanks for letting me share with you....

Willow